Wow...so much has happened in the last few weeks. I am officially a single lady, Benefit show is over, I've graduated, and now I'm trying to work out how to spend the rest of my life. I know I'm really just trying to get a job that will start me on the path to a career, but it sounds more epic the other way. Regardless, being out of school but still working a part time job makes me reluctant to start getting serious about work right away. I'll take a few more weeks of relaxation so that I can have the energy to conquer the world.
My roommate brought up an interesting topic via my ex. Unconditional Love. Is it real? Does it exist in relationships between men and women? I don't believe it does to be honest. I see unconditional love as only being something you have for your immediate family members, and even then if you are not fulfilling your role as a decent parent/child/sibling then that love will not be as strong. I believe that you can love someone with all your heart for who they are, but if circumstances make it so, you can fall out of love while still loving them as people. If the person you're with is not inspiring you to be more than you are, if your personalities are essentially incompatible because your core values are so different, if you are in different stages of your life and one person feels caged in by guilt and restrictions, why is it fair to impose the idea of unconditional love on them? It's not. You should not force someone to be with you when doing so only makes them comfortable, but not happy. They may love you still for all you have had, but when you wake up and realize that you have hardly anything in common, it's time to move on.
I don't want to be faulted for that. I want to be as happy and successful as I can be, and I don't think that's wrong. So I unconditionally love the memory of what I had, but I deserve more, and so does my ex. I'm learning that a little more every day now.
~Keiko
Monday, June 6, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Dreams are Very Bizzare Things
I've been having the strangest dreams lately. Mostly centered around Culture Shock and various people in them. Usually it's the whole team as an entity in itself, but I've had a couple where individual people have stuck out. I think my stress from the team and emotions about the team are just playing out in my dreams. I had one in particular the other night. I wish I could put everything that happened down here but seeing as this is public and my dreams are private, I don't know how I would feel about that exactly. haha. All I can say is, in this dream, it felt like the other person was there...like actually there. Weirdest part? I was talking to them pretty frequently, but then after the dream, I haven't talked to them at all. We basically had an arguement. I forced him to answer a question I've had for a while but that I could never actually ask. Then I got angry, called us both on some bull shit, picked up my bag and went to my boyfriends house. I have never in my entire life had a dream that intense, real, and strange.
On other notes, haven't heard a word from my dad. If I still haven't heard anything in another week or so, then I think I can make the assumption he's going to just ignore everything. Oh well. If that's the case, at least I tried. And I'll try again somewhere down the line.
I'm glad I'm almost done with school. But it is scary. I really hope this job I'm going to apply for comes through. Just waiting to hear a confirmation so that I can send in my resume and everything. God the real world is terrifying. I hope I get at least a little vacation between jobs though. ^_^
~Keiko
On other notes, haven't heard a word from my dad. If I still haven't heard anything in another week or so, then I think I can make the assumption he's going to just ignore everything. Oh well. If that's the case, at least I tried. And I'll try again somewhere down the line.
I'm glad I'm almost done with school. But it is scary. I really hope this job I'm going to apply for comes through. Just waiting to hear a confirmation so that I can send in my resume and everything. God the real world is terrifying. I hope I get at least a little vacation between jobs though. ^_^
~Keiko
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Graduation/Writing to My Dad
So...I haven't talked to my dad in about a year now. He called me up about a year ago and basically accused me of being a horrible daughter. Nevermind that he hasn't been present for the majority of my life. It's taken me a year to even be ready to contact him. Essentially, I'm not going to excuse his bad behavior anymore. If he wants a relationship with me, he needs to work at it too. I honestly feel like he's a stranger, and his actions have just told me that he cares about me in his own way, but he doesn't want the responsibility of being a parent. I want to have a copy of the letter I'm sending him, so I'm putting it here.
"Dear Dad,
So, it's been about a year since the last time we talked. I don't know about you, but what I find to be the saddest about that is that it hasn't been that diferent from how it has always been.
The last time we talked did not turn out well for either of us. You were right about a few things. We don't have much of a relationship and honestly, we never have. We don't talk on the phone. And when I come up, I don't always get to see you. I think all of these things are because 1) we aren't very close, and 2) neither one of us makes much effort to do something about it anymore. Despite the many things that were said during that phone call, I'm assuming that the real point was that you do want a relationship between us. If that really is what you want, we both need to work on it. It's a two way street and we are going to have to meet in the middle. We can blame each other till the end of time about who did or didn't do what, but if we want to know each other, that isn't going to solve anything.
Some of the things you said you wanted me to do were, call you more often, try harder to see you when I visit Nor Cal, and let you know sooner when I'm coming up. I can do that, and I really do want to try. But, like I said, I need you to try too. If you really want to talk more, you can call me sometimes too. And if you really want to meet up with me when I'm in town, I hope you are willing to help me out. Most of the time, I don't have a car, so it's hard for me to go all the way to your place. Even if I do have a car, I've already driven 8 hours to get there, so I would appreciate if you would at least meet me halfway. I don't want to burdan my brothers everytime to drive me out anymore. Mike has two little babies and NIck is coming from far too.
If you are wondering why I chose to write this now, it's because of a lot of reasons. I'm graduating, and I didn't want you to thik that when I send you the announcement, I'm asking you for anything. But, it's times like this that I don't want you to miss. If you want to be my dad and I want to be your daughter, part of that is being there for the important times. I'm not expecting you to make the trip down here or anything, but I did want you to know. I want you to be there in the future when I get married, or have kids, or have other important times, and I want to be there for yours too.
You said to me that you are stubborn, well I am too, and I probably got that from you. But, if you want a relationship, don't you think being stubborn and not talking to each other is a silly way to go about that? We can keep doing this, but I'm trying to say that if you want to meet me halfway, I will meet you.
~Keiko"
I really cut it down from the original 15 page letter where I pointed out his failure as a father. I'm not expecting anything, but at least now I've done my part. Now to graduation!
~Keiko
"Dear Dad,
So, it's been about a year since the last time we talked. I don't know about you, but what I find to be the saddest about that is that it hasn't been that diferent from how it has always been.
The last time we talked did not turn out well for either of us. You were right about a few things. We don't have much of a relationship and honestly, we never have. We don't talk on the phone. And when I come up, I don't always get to see you. I think all of these things are because 1) we aren't very close, and 2) neither one of us makes much effort to do something about it anymore. Despite the many things that were said during that phone call, I'm assuming that the real point was that you do want a relationship between us. If that really is what you want, we both need to work on it. It's a two way street and we are going to have to meet in the middle. We can blame each other till the end of time about who did or didn't do what, but if we want to know each other, that isn't going to solve anything.
Some of the things you said you wanted me to do were, call you more often, try harder to see you when I visit Nor Cal, and let you know sooner when I'm coming up. I can do that, and I really do want to try. But, like I said, I need you to try too. If you really want to talk more, you can call me sometimes too. And if you really want to meet up with me when I'm in town, I hope you are willing to help me out. Most of the time, I don't have a car, so it's hard for me to go all the way to your place. Even if I do have a car, I've already driven 8 hours to get there, so I would appreciate if you would at least meet me halfway. I don't want to burdan my brothers everytime to drive me out anymore. Mike has two little babies and NIck is coming from far too.
If you are wondering why I chose to write this now, it's because of a lot of reasons. I'm graduating, and I didn't want you to thik that when I send you the announcement, I'm asking you for anything. But, it's times like this that I don't want you to miss. If you want to be my dad and I want to be your daughter, part of that is being there for the important times. I'm not expecting you to make the trip down here or anything, but I did want you to know. I want you to be there in the future when I get married, or have kids, or have other important times, and I want to be there for yours too.
You said to me that you are stubborn, well I am too, and I probably got that from you. But, if you want a relationship, don't you think being stubborn and not talking to each other is a silly way to go about that? We can keep doing this, but I'm trying to say that if you want to meet me halfway, I will meet you.
~Keiko"
I really cut it down from the original 15 page letter where I pointed out his failure as a father. I'm not expecting anything, but at least now I've done my part. Now to graduation!
~Keiko
Friday, April 15, 2011
I Have a New Nephew!
The long wait is finally over! Introducing my new baby nephew, Braden Russell Ogg, BRO for short. So now we have Bean and the BRO. He is an absolutely adorable little guy. I can't wait to meet him! My flight home leaves next Friday, and hopefully I will get to see him right after my dentist appointment. It's really kind of crazy to think that my brother has not one, but two children. He is 32 almost 33, so it's about right for his age, but I think it also really puts my age into perspective too. Well, as long as I keep looking young then I suppose I can't complain.
*sigh*....so cute. I've been thinking a lot about time lately. In my last blog, I went on a slight rant about people trying to plan your life around their schedule. Another thing lately has been that a lot of people tend to disrespect each other's time. When someone is making an effort to be with you, do not waste their time, however that may be. That means, being there but being elsewhere by always being on your phone, or making plans but then being completely unorganized with them, or even with work when your people give extra time to be there and you do not use it effectively. Time management is perhaps one of my biggest pet peeves. I have an incredibly busy life (by my own choice), and I know a lot of other people do too. So when you make things so busy that you can't handle all of the responsibilities that come along with that, then you are officially disrespecting the time of those involved in all of those activities with you.
On another time related note...time freaking flies! I'm 4 weeks from being done with school, and one week from visiting my family and 6 weeks from benefit, and it is next to impossible for me to fathom it all. And through all of this...I look at my little niece and see how big she has gotten. Where has all this time gone? Culture Shock's benefit show this year is loosely based off of Oh the Places You'll Go, by Dr. Seuss. I feel this so accutely because I'm starting to believe that there is no greater more unknown journey than graduating from college. Graduating from high school is a journey too, but you still have a general idea that you will go to school, make friends, and have a basic path to follow. The only path you have after graduation is...find a job. That could be anything, anywhere, and take who knows how long to find. What I'm beginning to discover is "The Waiting Place." Time has been moving so quickly lately, but I know, once I graduate, it will seem to stop as I wait to move on to the next phase of my life. I'm prepared for this, but god it gives you anxiety! I shall end with a narrative of Oh the Places You'll Go:
~Keiko
*sigh*....so cute. I've been thinking a lot about time lately. In my last blog, I went on a slight rant about people trying to plan your life around their schedule. Another thing lately has been that a lot of people tend to disrespect each other's time. When someone is making an effort to be with you, do not waste their time, however that may be. That means, being there but being elsewhere by always being on your phone, or making plans but then being completely unorganized with them, or even with work when your people give extra time to be there and you do not use it effectively. Time management is perhaps one of my biggest pet peeves. I have an incredibly busy life (by my own choice), and I know a lot of other people do too. So when you make things so busy that you can't handle all of the responsibilities that come along with that, then you are officially disrespecting the time of those involved in all of those activities with you.
On another time related note...time freaking flies! I'm 4 weeks from being done with school, and one week from visiting my family and 6 weeks from benefit, and it is next to impossible for me to fathom it all. And through all of this...I look at my little niece and see how big she has gotten. Where has all this time gone? Culture Shock's benefit show this year is loosely based off of Oh the Places You'll Go, by Dr. Seuss. I feel this so accutely because I'm starting to believe that there is no greater more unknown journey than graduating from college. Graduating from high school is a journey too, but you still have a general idea that you will go to school, make friends, and have a basic path to follow. The only path you have after graduation is...find a job. That could be anything, anywhere, and take who knows how long to find. What I'm beginning to discover is "The Waiting Place." Time has been moving so quickly lately, but I know, once I graduate, it will seem to stop as I wait to move on to the next phase of my life. I'm prepared for this, but god it gives you anxiety! I shall end with a narrative of Oh the Places You'll Go:
~Keiko
Monday, April 11, 2011
Guns, Cakes, and Intuition
This has really been one of the best birthday weeks of my life. It started out absolutely horrible, but in the end, I've never felt so loved by the people in my life who really matter. As I'm getting older, I'm trying to appreciate more the quality of my friends verses the quantity. So called "fair weather friends" generally serve to disappoint you. I have such a hectic busy schedule and so many passions in my life that I don't really have the emotional energy for people who do not equally participate in our friendship. Honestly, I will go out of my way to make time for my friends if they will make time for me, and I will always be there for the important times. But I'm not going to bother cultivating friendships or faking fun times with people who constantly flake out and are never there for the times that they know are really important to me.
I think people don't always see eye to eye on what the important times actually are. It's not about being there when YOU think it matters, but being there when the other person thinks it matters. You can't plan their important times around your schedule and act like you're being gracious enough to give them your time, and actually believe that's a real friendship. Regardless, it is people like that who have made me so incredibly grateful for people like my roommate. She really goes out of her way to make people happy. She threw me a birthday party on Saturday at her other house. It was also a house warming party for the new occupants, our friends Carla and Artson. I was so happy to just have a good time with a few people who are so down to earth, relaxed, and just overall loving people. That's the type of thing that I think really makes for a good birthday.
Sunday was an interesting day. My boyfriend and I went to do a mini movie for a friend. We were told we were going to be doing tricks and power for the action scenes, and our response was, "Cool! We'll get some good footage while having a good time." I have no words to really describe how this situation really turned out to be. We walked in and were surrounded by big guys with a ton of fake guns. Intimidating much? During the costume approval process, I had noted that they kind of wanted me to dress a little hookerish, which I commented would be hard to do power or tricks in. I really need not have worried. We ended up being there for about 3 hours, and all I did was a backslide and all my boyfriend did was a backspin. Then we fought over a gun, got shot, and died. It really felt like a huge waste of time and gas money to drive all the way out to LA for that. I would be happy to have done them a favor, but honestly, anyone could have done that, so in the future, I think I'll be mysteriously busy for this type of project. I'm sure it will all turn out well for them, and I can tell that they are very into doing this type of cheesy movie with too many graphics, but to each his own, and this is not my own. haha.
Last, my awesome little troupe buddies brought me more cakes and cookies than I should ever eat at one time. But I will...and I'll get fat....then I'll feel guilty and dance 3 times more to make up for it.
~Kameko
I think people don't always see eye to eye on what the important times actually are. It's not about being there when YOU think it matters, but being there when the other person thinks it matters. You can't plan their important times around your schedule and act like you're being gracious enough to give them your time, and actually believe that's a real friendship. Regardless, it is people like that who have made me so incredibly grateful for people like my roommate. She really goes out of her way to make people happy. She threw me a birthday party on Saturday at her other house. It was also a house warming party for the new occupants, our friends Carla and Artson. I was so happy to just have a good time with a few people who are so down to earth, relaxed, and just overall loving people. That's the type of thing that I think really makes for a good birthday.
Sunday was an interesting day. My boyfriend and I went to do a mini movie for a friend. We were told we were going to be doing tricks and power for the action scenes, and our response was, "Cool! We'll get some good footage while having a good time." I have no words to really describe how this situation really turned out to be. We walked in and were surrounded by big guys with a ton of fake guns. Intimidating much? During the costume approval process, I had noted that they kind of wanted me to dress a little hookerish, which I commented would be hard to do power or tricks in. I really need not have worried. We ended up being there for about 3 hours, and all I did was a backslide and all my boyfriend did was a backspin. Then we fought over a gun, got shot, and died. It really felt like a huge waste of time and gas money to drive all the way out to LA for that. I would be happy to have done them a favor, but honestly, anyone could have done that, so in the future, I think I'll be mysteriously busy for this type of project. I'm sure it will all turn out well for them, and I can tell that they are very into doing this type of cheesy movie with too many graphics, but to each his own, and this is not my own. haha.
Last, my awesome little troupe buddies brought me more cakes and cookies than I should ever eat at one time. But I will...and I'll get fat....then I'll feel guilty and dance 3 times more to make up for it.
~Kameko
Friday, April 8, 2011
Strange Dreams
Maybe it's the stress from nearly graduating. Maybe it's just the stress of life. I'm actually a very unstressed out person, if that makes any sense. Even when I say I'm stressed, I say it with a smile. So I guess my body has taken a new route to telling me that life is more turbulent than normal right now. I keep having these really weird vivid dreams. One night I dreamt I was in a school and a tornado picked me up. I kept thinking the whole time I was flying through the air, "eventually I'm going to crash! I'm going to crash into the ground!" And then I plummeted from the sky and woke up right as the school hit the ground. Another night I kept dreaming of people who have strong personality symbols for me like ignorance, stress, discipline. I think maybe I'm not disciplined enough. Most people would think I'm crazy even saying that because I'm pretty good at keeping very intricate time schedules, but I feel like half the time I don't have nearly as much energy as I would like.
But I've decided that I am going to reach a few specific goals. I'm thinking that by constantly focusing my energies into specific goals I might actually accomplish something. I'm basically trying to use "The Secret." At first it seems like kind of hard work, but now I CAN'T stop thinking about my goals. Every time I see something that makes me smile, I'm trying to make a mental note to be thankful for it. I'm trying to be more thankful for the people in my life who are REAL friends. And honestly, because of all this, I can really feel at least a little tiny shift in the way life feels. I have 2 main goals. 1) I want to get power moves, especially head spins and elbow spins. Basically upside down spinny moves. 2) I want to feel financially comfortable. AKA, I need to make more money to cover the recent expenses in life. I can see a lot of things just falling into place if I reach these two goals. Just to continue reinforcing the things I want.....
~Keiko
But I've decided that I am going to reach a few specific goals. I'm thinking that by constantly focusing my energies into specific goals I might actually accomplish something. I'm basically trying to use "The Secret." At first it seems like kind of hard work, but now I CAN'T stop thinking about my goals. Every time I see something that makes me smile, I'm trying to make a mental note to be thankful for it. I'm trying to be more thankful for the people in my life who are REAL friends. And honestly, because of all this, I can really feel at least a little tiny shift in the way life feels. I have 2 main goals. 1) I want to get power moves, especially head spins and elbow spins. Basically upside down spinny moves. 2) I want to feel financially comfortable. AKA, I need to make more money to cover the recent expenses in life. I can see a lot of things just falling into place if I reach these two goals. Just to continue reinforcing the things I want.....
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I'm pretty terrible at updating this. Seriously, I had an online diary back in high school that I updated every day. I even had a handwritten diary for a while that I updated almost every day. Then life got depressing and writing out my emotional traumas had less appeal. Then I started here and I can hardly find time to regularily post. I don't feel that bad though, seeing as most of my friends that I follow are very much int he same boat.
I should probably start being more proactive about finding a real job for after I graduate. I really don't want a period of time when I'm in jobless limbo. No, I'd much prefer to feel some sense of security. I have some options, but until I'm signing a contract negotiating my salary and benefits, I won't feel at ease. That's probably a good thing. But seriously, I think 23 is an awful age. I'm turning 23 in less than a week and aside from graduation anxiety, I get the joys of knowing I will either have to figure out the paperwork to stay on my mom's healthcare plan, or wait till I get a job and hope I don't have any major injuries or illnesses till then. Hmm...I don't like option number 2. Regardless, I'm pretty sure all will work out for the best!
On other exciting notes, I got to meet the Rej3ctz and Audio Push a couple weeks ago. Being the director for a youth community service dance group has some serious perks. In reality, I wasn't excited to meet these guys at all. I'm not a fan of their music, but I have to listen to edited versions of it anyways because my little DARE kids like them so much. *sigh* Youth today is missing out on SO much good music for this crap. But I have to say the guys from the Rej3ctz were really really nice! They were so much fun to be around that I'd almost be willing to pay to see one of their shows. Almost. I've never been to a concert, and I'm not going to start with them. Maybe somewhere down the line if they don't turn out to be one hit wonders. Seeing as in 10 years I'm probably not going to remember their music, I will end this entry with their current hit.
~Keiko
I should probably start being more proactive about finding a real job for after I graduate. I really don't want a period of time when I'm in jobless limbo. No, I'd much prefer to feel some sense of security. I have some options, but until I'm signing a contract negotiating my salary and benefits, I won't feel at ease. That's probably a good thing. But seriously, I think 23 is an awful age. I'm turning 23 in less than a week and aside from graduation anxiety, I get the joys of knowing I will either have to figure out the paperwork to stay on my mom's healthcare plan, or wait till I get a job and hope I don't have any major injuries or illnesses till then. Hmm...I don't like option number 2. Regardless, I'm pretty sure all will work out for the best!
On other exciting notes, I got to meet the Rej3ctz and Audio Push a couple weeks ago. Being the director for a youth community service dance group has some serious perks. In reality, I wasn't excited to meet these guys at all. I'm not a fan of their music, but I have to listen to edited versions of it anyways because my little DARE kids like them so much. *sigh* Youth today is missing out on SO much good music for this crap. But I have to say the guys from the Rej3ctz were really really nice! They were so much fun to be around that I'd almost be willing to pay to see one of their shows. Almost. I've never been to a concert, and I'm not going to start with them. Maybe somewhere down the line if they don't turn out to be one hit wonders. Seeing as in 10 years I'm probably not going to remember their music, I will end this entry with their current hit.
~Keiko
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